the post about babies

I've tried to write this post about a million times.  I type.  I delete.  I cry.  I suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself.  Then I do it all over again.

I get pissed.  I get all sorts of emotional.  I then decide its not for me and thats why its not happening.  I usually cry again or enjoy the fact that at moments like this I can consume large amounts of wine by myself.

Babies.  I can't have them.  At least for 7 years of trying I haven't.  Sometimes I think that if I knew I could never have given my husband kids that I would have not fallen in love with him, I would have let him find a woman capable of doing what women are supposed to do.  I know thats silly.


I dont get envious or jealous of my friends or those I know that get pregnant, in fact I get so extremely happy for them. For reals....  But what I get upset about when I think of how much I want to have a family, be a mother, be pregnant- is the bad mothers, the babies with no families or how about the local girls here that are on their 4th kid with their 3rd baby daddy.  Yeah this post makes me say things like baby daddy.

Quite often I hear from my customers and readers that I'm always busy and they want to know how I juggle it all.  Well you should probably know that if I could trade all this, I would.  I stay busy to keep my mind off the fact that my ovaries hate me.  I stay busy (besides loving what I do) because obviously having no children provides me with loads of free time.  Truth be told I am sad.  And I know that people say 'it will happen if its meant to be' and I know we can adopt, but I think its ok to be sad once in a while.  I think its ok to feel like the one thing you want the most is the one thing you are a failure at achieving.

If you are a mom and it came easy to you, thats not your fault and you should never feel bad for that... just please realize how lucky you are to have those little ones! xo


40 comments:

  1. Awww, sweetie, I didnt know this. You are so talented and bring a lot of happiness to people and their loved ones, homes, etc. Its OKAY to be sad about not being able to have children, but know you're not alone, and keep on being the amazing and funny person you are. I know adopting isnt the same as bearing your own child, but giving a child a life they deserve and watching that child turn into a successful adult is what its about, not necessarily that YOU birthed that child. My husband was adopted and he is soooo thankful for his adoptive parents, otherwise who knows where he'd be...Just something to think about. Head up and keep making beautiful "creations".

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  2. My heart goes out to you. While dealing with an ugly disease, I have often thought that my husband would have been better off with someone else but I know how untrue that is! And I agree some days we just need to be sad. I hope that you are blessed with children someday soon!

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  3. My sister's ovaries hated her too, and after seeing her struggle with infertility I know how lucky we are. I'm so sorry, but thanks for your honesty and for sharing this, which is probably a hard thing to do.

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  4. This makes me cry! You WILL be a mommy one day.. And your going to be amazing at it. Just like everything else you pour yourself into.. You are going to accomplish this one way or another! I love you friend! Xo

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  5. Thank you for sharing this. I know somewhat how you feel. I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better but just know that it takes real strength to share this. Thank you.

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  6. I completely and 100% understand where you are coming from. It's so hard to be in this place. Stupid ovaries... xoxo

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  7. Love you for using a Harry Potter quote that I have to repeat over to myself often. We have been trying for a while now too and our neighbor is constantly pregnant and cant even take care of her own kids she has now. It makes it that much more annoying knowing people who dont deserve children can have them so easily. And then theres people like you and me that would be amazing mothers but don't have that chance right now. Keep your chin up and I know it will happen for both of us someday! Thank you for being so brave and strong while posting this!

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  8. thanks for sharing this, i'm somewhat in the same boat and sometimes i just wanna feel sad about it!

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  9. love you girl. thank you for sharing your heart. i'm praying for you this morning.

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  10. Heather, don't give up. It took my parents nine years to have me. They went to the hospital dozens of times and had every test in the world done, only to find that nothing--not a thing--was wrong with either of their bodies. It just wasn't the right time. But, after nine years and lots of prayers, God worked a miracle. And while all babies are miracles, I think He showed my parents His power by blessing them with me after all that time. I'm not trying to say I'm any more special than anyone else--but I do know that they learned what a true miracle was after experiencing such frustration for so long. Be patient and know that He has a plan and as living proof of what can happen, I know He's going to take care of things :) xoxo!

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  11. You are right, it's yours to be sad about when you want to be sad about it. Your not dumb, and you know that you can be positive and hopeful, but also it's ok to be upset that something you really want is almost totally out of your control. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you girl, I bet you will be an amazing momma. xo

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  12. Keep your head up love! I'm sending positive thoughts and vibes your way.
    XO,
    Tia
    P.S. Your not dumb or silly. Your an honest and true person. Thanks for being so awesome. I love reading your blog :)

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  13. It is definitely ok to be sad! I keep putting off having kids and think that when I want one, I will get pregnant immediately. It is scary to think about that not happening. I am sorry you're going through this and sorry your ovaries hate you and year, "it will happen when it's meant to happen." I know people mean well when they say that but it can be the most annoying piece of advice :). xoxo

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  14. I have been reading your post for awhile. I am so sorry that you want a baby so bad and it just hasn't happened. Your husband wouldn't trade you in, don't do that to yourself, please.
    I know how you feel about the ones that take it for granted or don't even care that babies come their way. My youngest is adopted. I used to keep track of how many siblings he had between his two parents. Last time I was able to find out, he was the oldest of 10 children when he was 10.......awful. All were taken away. there are lots of children tht are in the system that could use loving parents. Yes, they do come with baggage. So do the children adopted from overseas. Please consider adoption. You deserve to have a little one to love.

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  15. The familiarity of all of this took my breath away. I am so sorry you are struggling to have a baby. It is so hard, so sad, and so unfair. As someone who is also struggling the notion of "it will happen if its meant to be" is maddening. Lots and lots of lovely, well deserving, would be great mamas don't get the chance... I just dont believe because it isn't meant to be for them.

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  16. heather my love. thank you for sharing.

    and yes, you can be sad and mad and frustrated. someone once told me that you can never apologize for how you feel-- it's just how you feel! it's really what you do with it. but don't always feel like you need to put your chin up, sometimes drinking loads of wine is good. :)

    you will be fabulous mother someday. i know it. xoxo

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  17. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time! I have a few friends and family members that have been in your same situation. My aunt was told she couldn't have kids. She adopted two little girls then got pregnant soon after. I know it is hard and you're are allowed to be sad. I'm glad you have something you are so great at and love to keep you busy until the time comes!

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  18. heather, it is SO okay to be sad and to grieve. i think so often people attempt to make you feel better and distract you from what's real because nobody wants anyone they care about to feel bad or sad. but this is hard, and there is no way around that. it is through trials and suffering that we gain strength and wisdom, and it'll come naturally. you are a beautiful soul, friend. really. xoxo

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  19. Your so brave for writing this post and being so open, I really admire that! You will be in my prayers :)

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  20. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be. You're so brave to share this with all of your followers, and I'm sure you will receive an incredible amount of support. I will definitely keep my fingers crossed for you, and I know you will make an incredible mommy! Good luck to you and your hubby!

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  21. Oh Heather, I am in agreement with every comment here. There is nothing additional that I can say, you are very brave and honest and sweet and sincere. This will happen for you one way or another. You will be an amazing mother, however it happens for you. SO SO much love for you girl!

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  22. Sweet Heather. Nothing more to say. Thank you for sharing and know that there is love coming your way. Miracles can happen... xxx

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  23. Blargh. My husband and I have been trying for two+ years and it's already put such an emotional toll on me, so I'm sorry to hear you've tried for so long and with no luck.

    I definitely get excited for others who get pregnant, but there's always an underlying jealousy. It's particularly strong when my sister & my nephew come around. He was a total whoopsy-baby and her & the baby daddy don't even talk anymore, so she's blessed with my awesome nephew while I'm over here with my husband just like "getting married kills your chances of having a baby, apparently".

    It's such a painful thing to go through, especially when babies are like, all you've ever wanted out of life (see: me), and hopefully one day we'll both have babies of our own, and if not, hopefully we learn how to be happy without such a blessing.

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  24. Aw that is a lovely post, I am sad to hear about this and you certainly don't deserve it. I hope your time will come eventually

    xx
    The Young Bridget Jones
    Katrina Sophia Art

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  25. Im in the same boat as you, and I've really been struggling with this..but your post really helped, in a way I feel like im not so alone anymore! x

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  26. Heather, it took me 7 years to get pregnant the 1st time which lasted only 3 months, then I got pregnant when were married 8 years and had Kris when I was 30. Then had Lyns at 33 yo. I do understand the thoughts are you having. I thought I would never get pregnant and when I resolved that I wouldn't, it just happened. I suffer from the same disease you have and so does my daughter. I never understood like the young ladies of today do. I will be praying for you. Hugs, Di

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  27. {{{{hugs}}}}
    This is a beautifully written post -- 'baby daddy' and all. And you make points I have myself, watching friends struggle as you do -- wondering when I'll ever find My Knight and can be a mommy myself one day, we hope -- seeing kiddies who need rescuing, and knowing I can't do anything ...
    ... it makes me cry. But in a good way. I think.
    xoxo

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  28. It is definitely okay to feel sad, but, please, don't ever think that you are a failure. My heart is sad for you, and there is nothing that I can say. I hope that you find your peace.

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  29. I admit to being one of those for whom becoming pregnant was quick and easy. And I often feel... not guilty, but certainly reluctant to attest to that fact. When you enter the world of babies, and pregnancy, and conception, you quickly learn that it's not as easy as you thought it would be. If you're blessed to conceive, you quickly learn just what can go wrong with the pregnancy. And then birth. And then how many health problems babies can have...
    I pray you find peace xx

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  30. Dear sweet Heather,

    I can't even imagine what you go through on a daily basis: it seems absurd to me that someone so loving with so much desire to be a mother would not be able to. It's an injustice.

    You have every right to be said, angry, frustrated. But you should definitely take all that love you have and find a way to be a mom, however it happens. Treatments, adoption, what have you. I should also let it be said that I believe in miracles--I've seen them happen for friends--and I hope you won't give up.

    with love,
    Amanda

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  31. Heather..
    You are such an amazing woman! You have every right to be sad or angry. One day, however it happens, you will be the mama you have longed to be! I just know it! You are so brave to share this!! Sending lots of BIG bear hugs to you!!!!
    XOXOXO
    Heidi

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  32. Reading your posts and hearing about women who struggle to have children, I realize every day that I am blessed. I may not have had my own children, but I am lucky and blessed that my step children love me and have taken me in as their own, as their family.

    Lots of love sweety. You are meant to be a mother and you will be a mother. xoxo

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  33. You've every right to be sad. That is so big of you to be able to be happy for others though. That shows how good a person you are! It may still happen. My big sister is pregnant right now with her first child. Her fiance was told he would never be able to have kids. But it happened. Have hope x

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  35. Don't lose hope and still have faith.
    I may not be in the position to tell you things about this, the thing is, sometimes there are women who over think about getting pregnant or when, like you at that instance, they think they can't give birth.

    But truth be told, some if not mostly, psychology researches had stated that being worrisome (worried that they can't get pregnant), believes she can't bore a child, and other sort of things wherein (when women are married and they can't still get pregnant) leads to emotional distress which affects both mental and physical body. and that doesn't mean you are infertile. Maybe stress just gets you hold up.
    Relax and don't over think. Your hubby loves you no matter what.

    Most often than not, best things happen when we least expects it. :D

    Hope it helps :)
    You are very talented and have lots of things to share,
    maybe in time, you will shock us and you'll have a post next time wherein you'll share that you're pregnant! :D

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  36. my heart goes out to you. but you know what it is not always about "can" and "cannot". life works in different ways, i am capable of making babies yet i am without one. I am 31 years old and I supposed to have them by now but things happened and here I am. without a child. and I will most likely never have them. I get sad over the fact but it is life, you know. at least you are together and have each other. love <3

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  37. Love & hugs. It IS okay to be sad. Our ovaries can be real bitches.

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  38. So glad you felt okay sharing this time. I'm at just over 7 years too. It hurts. A lot. It's okay to be sad. It's totally normal. And to those who say, "if it's meant to be it will happen" well poop. And as for the adoption side of things - I'm blessed to be a mother to two precious babies we brought home from Ethiopia. They are the light of my life. BUT infertility still hurts. Adoption doesn't make the pain of that go away. They're two different things. So you go ahead and cry. <3

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  39. This post just tears at my heart strings. I simply never know what to say in this situation and maybe I should not leave a comment. I do want you to know I'm thinking about you.

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