ask yourself: what kind of friend are you?

Now I may be completely alone on this subject of friends, but the older I get the more its brought to my attention that building friendships is hard.  Let's back it up so you get where I'm coming from...

I was born and raised in Southern California (actually never even left the state) until my mom re-married and moved me up to Oregon when I was 13.  We actually moved a few times around the area causing me to never be at one school longer then a couple of grades.  I met lots of kids and had friends, but I don't know anyone now that I knew then.  I always wish I had some friend to speak at my wedding that would say "I've known Heather since we were in elementary school" or refer to anyone as a childhood friend.  When we moved up to Oregon it seemed the kids in middle school had all known each other since they were little, and sure I met some and 'made friends', but even then I only stayed here til I graduated at 17 (in 1998) and moved again.  I then lived on my own and did the whole college thing out of this small town until 2006 when my husband (then boyfriend) decided to move back here.  But when I look back I'm not actually friends with anyone from grade school, high school or college.. instead I just have acquaintances.


Now I'm sitting here wondering how finding people, building bonds and actually becoming friends.. real friends can happen.  When you take into account your lifestyle and the people you associate with now, are they your real friends? (if your answer is yes, then I envy you)  Between marriage, my home, my family, work and just living well there isn't much time to figure out how to make friends.

Now take into consideration that I don't have kids.  Me making friends with others who do is hard because a) we can't relate on that level b) they always feel weird knowing of my infertility struggles and c) their kids take up a lot of their time.. so it seems easier for mommy's to be friends with other mommy's.  Ok so let's take the mommy's out of the picture.  How about my friends who aren't married?  Well I am.  This makes it hard when they want me to a) go out with them b) party and c) listen to their single-ness drama.. so it now seems that the singles have it easier to be friends with other singles or couples who maybe like to party and go out or couples who aren't as serious. And then there are the people who (maybe because I live in a small town and a few of the girls I have this problem with have never left the area?!)  a) like to gossip b) like to smile to your face but behind your back it's something else and c) live really sad lives that I want no part of.  I don't thrive off of drama, I like the real happy stuff instead.. no matter how cheesy that may sound!

So where does that leave me in the friendship department?  If real life were an episode of How I Met Your Mother then I would say that everything would be a-okay.  Lilypad & Marshmallow do just fine with their friends (yes I might like this show to much)...so I have my husband (except he travels a lot & doesn't have a clue what a 'blogger conference' or an 'photo a day challenge' means to me, poor guy), I got my mom (thank goodness she just listens and nods her head, she helps a lot but has her own life to take care of) and I have a few girls that I adore but we all seem way to busy to try to build anything close to a real friendship.  Then I have my blog/biz owner friends, now these are my people!!!  It seems like I am building these connections over something we can relate to and I'm loving it (which is so weird to seem to be sharing my personal life with strangers and it feels ok), yet at the same time its lacking everything personal that a friendship should have:  face to face time, double dates with our significant others, knowing what each others houses look like, going shopping.. you know the real stuff!


My mom was super good in the manners department when raising me and although I may cuss like a sailor, say whats on my mind and have a strong will to not put up with crap (all which make me who I am) I still know how to listen, how to be here for someone and how to just be a nice person (she may not approve of the other stuff, but she did teach me well I promise!)  Sometimes I may not always be available, I'm still trying to figure out me and sometimes that takes a lot of my time.  But when did I become the non-friend-able girl?   I know we all grow up and get families, but I don't want to think someday that I'm not someones friend.  Maybe since I'm totally okay doing my own thing (loner-ish of me I know) that I've actually become my own worst enemy.  And when writing about making friends, using the word enemy isn't really what I want to think about.  I wish it was easier to make friends as an adult, but I wonder if my expectations of friendship are too high?

So one of my 2012 goals (the list is long) is to find good friends, and become a better one too.
I hope that I have more dinner parties (kids are invited) and that my husband can figure a way to talk to my other friends husbands better (ok he's a little people shy). I should take Arthur on more puppy play dates, hey he needs friends too and maybe even start a monthly crafters night for local girls with the same interests as me.  I know these aren't huge plans here, but statistics say people with strong friendships live longer lives.. so I guess it's a start.




What kind of friend are you?  
Have you ever struggled with this same feeling?
*hey real life buddies of mine that may be single or may have kids.. 
and may read my blog this wasn't about anyone specific I love you dearly and what we do have *

40 comments:

  1. I can totally relate!!! I feel like I am closer to my blog friends than my real life friends. But I need to do the same and start making more real life connections because those are the best!!!

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  2. I think the older you get the fewer really really good friends you have - at least this is my and my friends' experience. We talk at length about what friendship really means as we get older and to us loyalty, laughter, and being there through good and bad times are the most important qualities of a good friend. The older you get the more not so great things happen - parents get sick and die, you or your friends may get really ill, and of course there are the divorces by cheating spouses. So how many "best friends" do I have that have all of those qualities? Three.

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  3. I so feel you right now. It's crazy how much you change as you grow up. I can honestly say that there is no one from my childhood or even high school, for that matter, that I still keep up with enough to call them a friend. My friends now are from college, and now that I've graduated, it's a challenge to maintain those friendships without seeing someone every day and having any real face to face time. It's something I'm working very hard to do, but it's not easy. Friendships are so important but it's so hard for a busy girl!

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  4. I grew up in the same area, had tons of friends, still talk to all of the ones I was close to, made good friends after h.s. and still talk to them too... or at least I used to. The past couple of years I've completely become a loner. And the sad thing is I don't mind (Being a loner). It happened mostly because they've all gotten married (yes, all of my good friends are married), which is great! But they're in completely different situations than I am. Why don't we build a blogging community where we all live in the same area?!

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  5. Since getting married and then becoming a mom, I lost a lot of friends who weren't on the same road as me. Many were offended when I (8 months pregnant at the time) wouldn't want to have a sleep over, or why I couldn't just come get coffee in the middle of the day (with two children under two that take naps). It was really hard losing those friendships and has been hard finding new ones, because I really don't know many women close to my age who are married and have children yet. I totally relate to this post, and prayed all last year for friends. I feel like God answered those prayers by giving me these awesome online relationships, because honesty, at the time, I really didn't have time to hang out with other women when taking care of two children under two. But, now that my babies are getting older, I know that this is the year to seek relationships with women in my church that I may not have ever considered hanging out with, stretching myself to be more outgoing, and make close friendships. Because I need them! Having that kind of connection with another person is very important and so good for the soul. I'm so excited for what is in store this year for my relationships, and I pray you are blessed just the same! :)

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  6. I know I fall into the 'have kids" category but I can totally relate to this. The older I get the harder I find it to establish real friendships. Friendships with women I know I can trust without a shadow of a doubt. that I don't need to be worried they will gossip behind my back. Or even those who reach out to me rather than me always reaching out.

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  7. I'm one of those types who, after I warm up, considers everyone to be a friend until proven otherwise. That's gotten me hurt several times and back stabbed and lied about. I've learned that adults are just as petty as the teenagers I went to school with. I think a craft night would be awesome. My friend introduced me to blogging because every time she talked about it I looked at her like she was insane. We have been friends since she was born and we lost touch through middle and high school, and college but now we see each other a few times every month and text on a pretty regular basis. We always go to flea markets together or craft stores or just have craft days. She's married, as are many of my other friends, and I'm single, but I get along with her husband and we all have fun. I only have a handful of real friendships that I could depend on, but those few are worth all of the time and random shopping trips/craft times!

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  8. I can totally relate to disconnect between friendship and infertility. It is such a prominent struggle in my life and an awkward subject for other people. If you ever need anyone to vent to, feel free to email me!

    aspiretoinspire

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  9. i really struggled finding "real" friends growing up and i had some "best" friends who really really hurt me. I didn't find good friends until college and even now after college i have found a few friends that i really love and treasure and make time for. but it was a long time coming-- and a fight to get here!

    i can imagine you as a great friend! you will find some wonderful people to share life with, of this i am sure.

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  10. I've come across a lot of girls with separation problems... That is, once they get into a relationship, they disappear. I love my bf, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten how to be a single person! (And I mean single as in "one," not "dating!") It's hard to find new friends outside of your usual "box," especially in this small town.

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  11. I can totally relate to this! And I think it's great that you've made a goal to make friends this year. You've inspired me to do the same, because it really does take two to build and maintain a friendship, but it's hard to put forth that effort when you can't be sure how it'll turn out. I hope it goes well for you and you are able to build true friendships that will last for years to come.

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  12. I am so with you! I have actually been going through something similiar and even considered just giving up entirely, but your post has encouraged me to try again. thanks so much!

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  13. i totally understand! friendship is tough... i wish you well on your search! :)

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  14. I totally get this. I mostly seem to have acquaintances as well. Most people who I thought were friends in the past I met through work and as soon as I moved to another job, they stopped contact, so not really friends I guess! I do have one person I class as a real friend, but its difficult as she is single and I'm not. I can't just swan off on holiday like she can! But we somehow make it work. I have started to meet new people and that was through going to my pal's swishing and crafting parties. So maybe setting up a regular get together like that will help you. It has taken some time and it's not alwasy my scene, but we do all bond over wine and chocolate so that is good! I do wish it was as easy as when I was at school though...and some women can be real two faced biatches! But then we are better off without them :)

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  15. I would love to hug you right now and make you my bestie. I'm one of those girls who has lots of friends...all pretty close. We are all at different stages in our life.
    What I am still learning:
    1) Be the pursuer of the friends you want closer (the mom with kids WANTS to be your friend...even if you don't have any...offer to babysit...meet her at Target and shop with her)
    2) Be the friend to others that you want to have yourself (despite any awkwardness or differences, BE the friend you want to have)
    3) Availability is always an issue for me...but we always seem to make time for the things we really love or want to do. Decide that you will be available.
    4) I don't know if you're religous, but I would suggest prayer. Praying for the right people to enter your life, praying for your own heart, praying for restoration of friendships that may have slipped away, prayer for change.

    That's all I have. I will be praying for you. I admire you. And I believe you have a LOT to offer in a friendship. Chin up.

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  16. I am with ya girl! Friendships are difficult and it seems like a struggle for a number of wonderful women! I don't have fertility issues (that I know of) but it's just me and the hubby in a new city well we have been here 5 years with no friends in town and no family. We are fortunate to have one other couple who we really LOVE and consider them more as family then friends but they live far away. They have been trying to have a child for some time but are also struggling with infertility. We have talked about the day they are blessed with a little life to love and nurture, we realize we can't let children impact our friendship, we know that things will be difficult and the dynamics will be different but I am willing to make those changes to keep my friends. To be honest thinking about it now it’s probably harder to start new friendships when you are at different stages in life than those around it's more difficult to start a friendship when you aren't at the same/similar stage in life but once they are established and things change it seems that those friendships can endure the change.

    Good friendships are difficult to come by, I need to work at them and be intentional. One thing I have realized is it doesn't matter how many friends I have but the quality of the friendships I do have. Thank you for sharing and know that you are not alone!

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  17. I can totally relate. I tend to be a loner. I blame it on being shy, but I really don't think that is it. The friends I do have all have children the same age as my children. But, they aren't people that I would like to hang out with. They are either parents that like to party (I'm not), parents that judge and talk about others (I'm not into that) or their kids really get on my nerves. I just haven't found the right people that I like to hang out with and I would rather not be bothered with someone that I am not proud to call a friend.

    Does that make me sound crazy or shallow? I do envy those that have really close friends, though.

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  18. This post made me cry! I feel like I know how you feel. I've always had "friends" but none of them have really stuck around besides two. I literally have two people I can call my friend right now. It's a lesson in quality > quantity I guess? All in all, if you ever need a friend or need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I know we don't really know each other very well in the "blog-o-sphere," but I'd love to talk to you and get to know you better. You seem like such a sweet girl and everyone needs someone to talk to :) I'm here for you, k?

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  19. I totally know what you mean. It gets harder as you get older and more mature, I think. I wish several of my closest blogger friends lived near me. . . that's the kind of people I want to see on a weekly basis. I have a few good non-blogger friends but they mostly live out of town, sadly.

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  20. So living in the same small town, for all of my life... I still have a hard time with the whole "friends" thing. I have my dear sweet friends who I have known since kindergarten, and we can always pick right back up when we get together, but in my everyday run of the mill life, its hard to keep up. I do have two little ones, and that makes it 2000bazillion times more difficult. BUT. I am still a real life adult. The problem lies, like you said, with a) I dont want to go to the bar. b) I dont care who so and so was dating last week and what drugs they are on. and c) I dont want usually have hours and hours, so I am more of a coffee date and down town browsing, which seems impossible anymore. Its hard, but keep your head up, there are still tons of fun girls here that arent all bad! :)

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  21. I have struggled with this issue for a few years now, but it is starting to get better. My closest childhood friend and I stopped talking for a while and I was about ready to give-up on the relationship, until I realised that she is a med student and doesn't have a lot of time. It's a little trickier to get together, but we manage. My other good friend and I met in university, and we make a point of getting together for a movie and dinner date at least once a month. I am a home-body -- with my son and husband -- but that is something I'd like to change as well. We've never been big on "let's call up so-and-so to go for supper" -- we just go out for supper by ourselves. I think it's okay that we only have a couple of good friends, and if lives get in the way and make things trickier and they're still hanging around, well then I think that means we've found some good friends :)

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  22. I am totally 100% on the same page as you with this. Its something I think about often too. I have no idea how to even go about making new friendships in my area. So far I haven't been able to find anyone who's not a mom, who's not 17, and who likes the same things as me. I feel like you and I are in the exact same place and would be awesome real life friends... So hmmm move to Canada? Haha.
    Xo Dana
    thewonderforest.com

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  23. Have you been reading my mind?:) This is very much how I feel...I'm always wishing all my bloggy friends lived in California so I could see them. I feel like I'm closer to a lot of you than I am to friends (okay, who am i kidding, one friend)in real life.
    Go out there, girl! :)

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  24. I can definitely relate. I lost a few friends during our infertility struggles because they just couldn't handle that part. It made me realize that they were never true friends to begin with and I'm better off without them. Then, when I finally did become a mother (through adoption) I lost a couple more... even friends who are mom's. They didn't understand the unique situation that I was in as a new mother of a formerly institutionalized baby. It was a major difference from bringing home a newborn from the hospital. The fact that I can't answer phone calls or even return them ASAP just didn't mesh with some. After some very nasty emails a friendship that I thought was there forever just ended. It honestly broke my heart and it still does. I came to realize that it wasn't ever a healthy friendship and it's much better that it's over. It's also made me realize how precious TRUE friends are and how hard they are to come by. Honestly, some of my best friends are ones I've made through adoption and blogging. They get it. They've been there. They know that phone calls are tough and email is easier for this phase of life. They know what to say and what not to say. They aren't afraid of the hard and they are there for me when things get tough rather than ignore it. I've learned so much about real friendship over the last several months. I totally get this post. :) Thanks for being open and honest!

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  25. Making friends is harder once you get older. I was bullied in elemetary school school, so no friends worth mentioning. Then has a faithful few friends in Highschool, but I moved away to colours one year sooner han my friends, so lost touch with them too. The people at uni weren't really my kind at all and I couldn't wait to move away. I have lived in my current city for 7 years now and finally managed to have a few friends. It was very hard work, let me tell you that. Took lots of energy giving and planning, but very worth it. I really charish them!!! I am quite well on my own so never minded being alone much, but now that I do have a group of friends, I am not letting go!
    Good luck in 2012.
    Esther.

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  26. Hey girl, I wrote a post like this a while back because I feel the SAME WAY. Since moving away from my home I have had a very very hard time finding real meaningful friendships. It's been the hardest part of my move.

    I got a lot of comments on it and realized that I wasn't alone. And neither are you. You have an amazing group of friends all across the world who follow you through your blog/shop. We are here for you. :]

    xo
    Julie Ann
    julieannart.com

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  27. Love this post and love that so many others feel the same way! I was starting to think I felt this way because I was just bad at being a friend, I'm glad there are others out there. I'm an introvert, have a husband and child and I'm ok with that, I guess.
    Thanks for sharing, great post!

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  28. I once had a good couple of girl friends that I'd known since junior high. I loved them. We went through so much together. And I remember when we all went off to different colleges I cried and worried that we would drift apart.

    But we didn't. And so I assumed that we would be friends forever.

    Then I lost them. Things happened and they stopped being friends with me. To this day I think what happened were things that we ALL did wrong. But nonetheless I lost all my good friends.

    These days I have people that I consider friends. We aren't as close as my long ago friends were. It makes me sad because A) I want my now friends and me to be closer but that isn't something you can force and B) I miss my long ago friends. But I know that I can't get those old friends back and I just have to be patient with the new ones.

    Just know you aren't alone. And I hope you're able to be successful with this goal. You're a good person and you deserve good friends!

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  29. I can totally relate to this. I had my daughter when I was 20 and lost 80% of my friends (this was probably a good thing). The few that stayed around I only see about once a month. I can't seem to find a group to fit into. All the mom's I know have babies, my daughter is 7, so play dates are out. My 2 "best" friends that I've known forever are in completely different places in their lives than I am. One is a newlywed and one is single living downtown.

    I catch myself saying "my friend ..." to my husband when I'm talking about a blog buddy and it makes me sad. Why can't we all meet for coffee whenever we want to...lol.

    I don't think we are alone though. When I look at my mom and see how her friendships have changed over her life, I realize that people come and go. Our friendships change as we change. Maybe we are both in a lull right now but will meet great friends in the next chapter of our lives?

    About the infertility...I totally can see how that makes friendships difficult. Like I said my daughter is 7 and all my friends are having babies. I struggled to get pregnant for a year and then had a miscarriage. I get awful vibes when I try to talk about it with friends. It's like I don't have a right to be upset because I already have a child. It makes having heart to hearts difficult.

    {sigh} When you figure out how to grow great friendships as an adult, please pass on your wisdom.

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  30. Some of my favorite friends in the world are my online friends -- some I've been fortunate enough to meet in person. It's hard to make friends as an adult, and I wish you the best. For me, when I moved recently, I found a couple of great girls at my church -- church also being new. They're in the same life stage as me, and we have lots in common. I think starting a group is fantastic! Good luck!

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  31. This is a great post, and I can relate on every level. I wish you lived closer. I'd totally want to hang out with you and go to your dinner parties!

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  32. I finished reading this post and wondered if I wrote it ... in some other universe. I TOTALLY get what you are saying here. I have a few close friends .. but I too do not talk to them often. Friends of mine have kids, I do not. Friends of mine are married, I am not. When I say "I have close friends" I mean it in the way that we are good friends ... and we do not need to talk to each other or spend a lot of time with each other. I've been thinking more and more about this. Is this right? Is this the way it should be? I love spending the evening out with another couple .. but I'm also totally fine to spend a week of nights in with my boyfriend watching TV and doing nothing. It's hard to make adult friends. I'm a person who has things going on in my life and don't necessarily want needy friends either ... You are not alone. I think about this often. Wondering, if I'm doing something wrong or if other people have these thoughts floating around in their heads.

    Thank you for letting us all know, we are not alone either. We will figure it out someday I suppose :)

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  33. soooo, im thinking we should get coffee someday soon and we can laugh about how I met your mother..(i am so addicted to that show).....and talk about girly things!

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  34. Yes mam. So many friendships feel really strained and hard to keep up with, but I think that's pretty normal. Especially when you spend your free time with your hubs or family. Good inspiration for a goal though. I'm still deciding on mine.

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  35. It's so funny that you posted this. I was actually just drafting up a similar post for my blog. I got married and moved to Montana right out of high school and I find it very hard to meet people that are in my similar situation. It's very hard to make friends. It's not like I'm not an outgoing person it just seems odd me being 25...

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  36. I just stumbled across your blog this evening....and BOy can I relate!!!!
    I'm 47 a native of southern California, went to private schools my whole life....so you have friends all the time coming and going cuz they could'nt afford the tuition, rich kids went there I moved out to the country, got animals and such, joined 4h loved the out doors..I don't think those kids in school knew what a goat was and didn't want to know...so I had very few friends growing up..went to college on and off..never had the sorority thing happen...so didn't meet lifelong friends there..i was a "good" girl... so was never asked to parties or anything...so once again never met anyone there...my cousins were the ones I played with and grew up with...so they are my friends...but they all up and left and moved out of the state...then I meet my sweet husband who basically has no family grew up on and island...moved here and there...so he has a few buddies in different states...he never had the college thing either...we can't have children so i get your drift about the whole mommy thing....so I am kinda in the same boat as you..I did happened to meet a friend while working in the same store she ended up moving faraway ...and she doesn't have children either we both have dogs and have become reallly great friends...wish she lived closer...I was actually going to write about this on my blog and never got around to it...so glad you wrote about it!!
    i have prayed that my husband and i would meet some people and about 6months ago I got reaquanted with a family friend and his wife...they are my age and their kids are all older and out of the house...they love to travel like us and we have been on several fun trips with them...and we both told each other that were are so glad to have met and look forward to many more years of friendship!!
    Good luck with everything!!




    Kindly
    Joy

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  37. I've been in your shoes before and my online friends filled the void at the time, but what changed things for me was a group of women I met with on meetup.com. We had regular outings and out of the 50 women I probably met, about 8 are acquaintances and 2 are best friends. You have to put yourself out there like dating. I "dated" a lot of potential friends and though it felt so fake at first, I made a lot of connections. Invite women over, meet them at a park to walk, hook up for coffee. Invite several women together that don't know each other. Next thing you know, they start making connections too. Build your own community of real friends. You will need them some day in a way that an online friend can't reach you. Enjoy this time alone and when you're ready, try searching for a local group that meets up in your area.

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  38. Heather! It's Wendy! You and I seem to have a lot common these days! You should come to Portland and we can go thrift shopping togeter!!! If you want, I can e-mail you my number! Let me know!

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  39. It seems to me that you really value the people that you do have in your life, and I think that is where it starts. It also seems like you are pretty confident in who you are, so don't let yourself second guess who you are just because of the friend department! Because once those two things are coupled together (valuing the people in your life and being confident in who you are as a person), that is when acquaintances and friendships go deeper. Hang in there! 2012 will be splendid for you!a

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  40. Um, this post sounds like I wrote it lol. Right down to the no kiddos and shy significant other. Good luck, I am trying to work on this myself this year too!

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