Now I may be completely alone on this subject of friends, but the older I get the more its brought to my attention that building friendships is hard. Let's back it up so you get where I'm coming from...
I was born and raised in Southern California (actually never even left the state) until my mom re-married and moved me up to Oregon when I was 13. We actually moved a few times around the area causing me to never be at one school longer then a couple of grades. I met lots of kids and had friends, but I don't know anyone now that I knew then. I always wish I had some friend to speak at my wedding that would say "I've known Heather since we were in elementary school" or refer to anyone as a childhood friend. When we moved up to Oregon it seemed the kids in middle school had all known each other since they were little, and sure I met some and 'made friends', but even then I only stayed here til I graduated at 17 (in 1998) and moved again. I then lived on my own and did the whole college thing out of this small town until 2006 when my husband (then boyfriend) decided to move back here. But when I look back I'm not actually friends with anyone from grade school, high school or college.. instead I just have acquaintances.
Now I'm sitting here wondering how finding people, building bonds and actually becoming friends.. real friends can happen. When you take into account your lifestyle and the people you associate with now, are they your real friends? (if your answer is yes, then I envy you) Between marriage, my home, my family, work and just living well there isn't much time to figure out how to make friends.
Now take into consideration that I don't have kids. Me making friends with others who do is hard because a) we can't relate on that level b) they always feel weird knowing of my infertility struggles and c) their kids take up a lot of their time.. so it seems easier for mommy's to be friends with other mommy's. Ok so let's take the mommy's out of the picture. How about my friends who aren't married? Well I am. This makes it hard when they want me to a) go out with them b) party and c) listen to their single-ness drama.. so it now seems that the singles have it easier to be friends with other singles or couples who maybe like to party and go out or couples who aren't as serious. And then there are the people who (maybe because I live in a small town and a few of the girls I have this problem with have never left the area?!) a) like to gossip b) like to smile to your face but behind your back it's something else and c) live really sad lives that I want no part of. I don't thrive off of drama, I like the real happy stuff instead.. no matter how cheesy that may sound!
So where does that leave me in the friendship department? If real life were an episode of How I Met Your Mother then I would say that everything would be a-okay. Lilypad & Marshmallow do just fine with their friends (yes I might like this show to much)...so I have my husband (except he travels a lot & doesn't have a clue what a 'blogger conference' or an 'photo a day challenge' means to me, poor guy), I got my mom (thank goodness she just listens and nods her head, she helps a lot but has her own life to take care of) and I have a few girls that I adore but we all seem way to busy to try to build anything close to a real friendship. Then I have my blog/biz owner friends, now these are my people!!! It seems like I am building these connections over something we can relate to and I'm loving it (which is so weird to seem to be sharing my personal life with strangers and it feels ok), yet at the same time its lacking everything personal that a friendship should have: face to face time, double dates with our significant others, knowing what each others houses look like, going shopping.. you know the real stuff!
My mom was super good in the manners department when raising me and although I may cuss like a sailor, say whats on my mind and have a strong will to not put up with crap (all which make me who I am) I still know how to listen, how to be here for someone and how to just be a nice person (she may not approve of the other stuff, but she did teach me well I promise!) Sometimes I may not always be available, I'm still trying to figure out me and sometimes that takes a lot of my time. But when did I become the non-friend-able girl? I know we all grow up and get families, but I don't want to think someday that I'm not someones friend. Maybe since I'm totally okay doing my own thing (loner-ish of me I know) that I've actually become my own worst enemy. And when writing about making friends, using the word enemy isn't really what I want to think about. I wish it was easier to make friends as an adult, but I wonder if my expectations of friendship are too high?
So one of my 2012 goals (the list is long) is to find good friends, and become a better one too.
I hope that I have more dinner parties (kids are invited) and that my husband can figure a way to talk to my other friends husbands better (ok he's a little people shy). I should take Arthur on more puppy play dates, hey he needs friends too and maybe even start a monthly crafters night for local girls with the same interests as me. I know these aren't huge plans here, but statistics say people with strong friendships live longer lives.. so I guess it's a start.
I was born and raised in Southern California (actually never even left the state) until my mom re-married and moved me up to Oregon when I was 13. We actually moved a few times around the area causing me to never be at one school longer then a couple of grades. I met lots of kids and had friends, but I don't know anyone now that I knew then. I always wish I had some friend to speak at my wedding that would say "I've known Heather since we were in elementary school" or refer to anyone as a childhood friend. When we moved up to Oregon it seemed the kids in middle school had all known each other since they were little, and sure I met some and 'made friends', but even then I only stayed here til I graduated at 17 (in 1998) and moved again. I then lived on my own and did the whole college thing out of this small town until 2006 when my husband (then boyfriend) decided to move back here. But when I look back I'm not actually friends with anyone from grade school, high school or college.. instead I just have acquaintances.
Now I'm sitting here wondering how finding people, building bonds and actually becoming friends.. real friends can happen. When you take into account your lifestyle and the people you associate with now, are they your real friends? (if your answer is yes, then I envy you) Between marriage, my home, my family, work and just living well there isn't much time to figure out how to make friends.
Now take into consideration that I don't have kids. Me making friends with others who do is hard because a) we can't relate on that level b) they always feel weird knowing of my infertility struggles and c) their kids take up a lot of their time.. so it seems easier for mommy's to be friends with other mommy's. Ok so let's take the mommy's out of the picture. How about my friends who aren't married? Well I am. This makes it hard when they want me to a) go out with them b) party and c) listen to their single-ness drama.. so it now seems that the singles have it easier to be friends with other singles or couples who maybe like to party and go out or couples who aren't as serious. And then there are the people who (maybe because I live in a small town and a few of the girls I have this problem with have never left the area?!) a) like to gossip b) like to smile to your face but behind your back it's something else and c) live really sad lives that I want no part of. I don't thrive off of drama, I like the real happy stuff instead.. no matter how cheesy that may sound!
So where does that leave me in the friendship department? If real life were an episode of How I Met Your Mother then I would say that everything would be a-okay. Lilypad & Marshmallow do just fine with their friends (yes I might like this show to much)...so I have my husband (except he travels a lot & doesn't have a clue what a 'blogger conference' or an 'photo a day challenge' means to me, poor guy), I got my mom (thank goodness she just listens and nods her head, she helps a lot but has her own life to take care of) and I have a few girls that I adore but we all seem way to busy to try to build anything close to a real friendship. Then I have my blog/biz owner friends, now these are my people!!! It seems like I am building these connections over something we can relate to and I'm loving it (which is so weird to seem to be sharing my personal life with strangers and it feels ok), yet at the same time its lacking everything personal that a friendship should have: face to face time, double dates with our significant others, knowing what each others houses look like, going shopping.. you know the real stuff!
My mom was super good in the manners department when raising me and although I may cuss like a sailor, say whats on my mind and have a strong will to not put up with crap (all which make me who I am) I still know how to listen, how to be here for someone and how to just be a nice person (she may not approve of the other stuff, but she did teach me well I promise!) Sometimes I may not always be available, I'm still trying to figure out me and sometimes that takes a lot of my time. But when did I become the non-friend-able girl? I know we all grow up and get families, but I don't want to think someday that I'm not someones friend. Maybe since I'm totally okay doing my own thing (loner-ish of me I know) that I've actually become my own worst enemy. And when writing about making friends, using the word enemy isn't really what I want to think about. I wish it was easier to make friends as an adult, but I wonder if my expectations of friendship are too high?
So one of my 2012 goals (the list is long) is to find good friends, and become a better one too.
I hope that I have more dinner parties (kids are invited) and that my husband can figure a way to talk to my other friends husbands better (ok he's a little people shy). I should take Arthur on more puppy play dates, hey he needs friends too and maybe even start a monthly crafters night for local girls with the same interests as me. I know these aren't huge plans here, but statistics say people with strong friendships live longer lives.. so I guess it's a start.
What kind of friend are you?
Have you ever struggled with this same feeling?
*hey real life buddies of mine that may be single or may have kids..
and may read my blog this wasn't about anyone specific I love you dearly and what we do have *
*hey real life buddies of mine that may be single or may have kids..
and may read my blog this wasn't about anyone specific I love you dearly and what we do have *